Who Are You Again?

Seems this summer has not been a fruitful one for blogging. And it's not just me. Some of my standard reads have been a little sparse as of late as well. A couple of them have new babies, so that's totally understandable, but even those who don't have been a little scarce. Makes me wonder if the charm has worn off for many of us. But enough editorializing...

I was really busy this summer, right up until my party. Then I think I lost all my motivation to get anything done. You'd think that the end of the summer would be enough of a deadline for me to launch into high speed, but not yet anyway. I still have about five weeks left. Some years that's half the summer, but this year it's well past the halfway point as the kids don't return until September 8.

So, what have I been doing with my summer? Well...

• I took part in a garage sale with some girls from work and got rid of a bit of stuff, which started me on a purging kick, but I've somehow stalled. I've sorted out bags of clothes for Goodwill from the dressers and my bedroom closet, but haven't yet gotten to the cabinet where I keep my sweaters and sweatshirts in the spare room, the closet in that room, or the coat closet. I also have the two boxes of items left from the garage sale that will be going still sitting in my living room. Honestly, it would probably take me about two more hours and I'd have everything sorted and a list made (for tax deduction purposes) so it could get out of here.
• I still haven't gotten a new backdoor put up, but maybe in the next couple of weeks Mom and Dad will make it up here and that will get done.
• My super-secret summer project has, so far, been unsuccessful and is now being put on hold temporarily. I could explain the reasons, but then it would be obvious what the project is.
• I attended a gathering of my high school band friends a week ago. We've had these in the past and they are always a lot of fun, but this year's was not very well attended. I did get to see G. and W. and I was able to talk very kindly with them. W. even asked how to make the pudding shots that I brought to the party and I graciously wrote out the recipe for her.
• Another friend from high school was home on leave from the military at the same time. Luke wrote to me in mid-June to see if I'd like to get together, so he came to visit two weeks ago. We had a great time reminiscing and getting caught up on each other's lives. He stayed over (on the couch) and we had lunch together the next day. I saw him again at the band reunion and we've started a regular correspondence. I'm going to visit him over winter vacation (he's in Germany), and we are going to spend New Year's in Paris! I finally get to use my new passport! Is there potential...? Perhaps. Technically he is an ex-boyfriend as we were "going together" for about a month when I was a sophomore and he was a freshman... you know... those relationships where you're too young to actually go on dates so instead it's just a lot of hand holding and kissing when no adults are around. He's always been a very sweet guy, but I can't say I was all that attracted to him back in school. Now, however... damn. The years have been good to him and he is a fine looking man. The main issue is the distance. He's in Germany until February, then will be going to Turkey for fifteen months before he will be back in the U.S. That's nearly two years, and even then he won't be anywhere terribly close. But I suppose that, if things have developed between us at that point, minus the physical contact, we'll have a better idea if it's worthwhile for me to go where he is. At that point he'll only have about three years left before he can retire.
• I rejoined Weight Watchers last week. After I saw a picture from the band reunion I decided it was time. I've gained back all the weight I lost four years ago and then some over the last couple of years. I had to buy new shorts this summer because I couldn't get into any of my old ones. What's funny is that people tell me all the time how I don't need to lose weight. I know I don't look as heavy as I am, but it bothers me that I can't wear the cute little tops I was wearing two years ago. I guess I should be grateful that I carry my weight fairly well, but I'm also concerned for health reasons. My BMI is only one point from being considered obese! How is that possible? At any rate, I'm down two pounds already, so I'm off to a good start. I'd really like to be down twenty-five for my trip in December (twenty-two weeks away) and it's definitely possible. Just got to stay focused!

That's it in a nutshell, I guess. Time to get some exercise in for the day.

Summer Theme

Oh yes, this summer has a theme. It's just not a theme that I'm telling the internet about yet. And, to be perfectly honest, I'm not exactly sure what the theme is just yet. I mean, I know what the theme revolves around, I just don't know if this summer will be just about focusing on this goal, or if it will actually be attained in the next few weeks.

In other news, I've been incredibly lazy so far this summer. I've been on vacation for almost 2 weeks and I've done very little that is useful. I've watched lots of movies. I've been reading a little bit. I've spent a ridiculous amount of time on Facebook. I have started running again, but only a few times... I don't think I'd classify it as having gotten into a routine yet. And I've been sleeping really late. Like until noon or later most days. Today I got up at 9:30. I've beyond impressed with myself. Of course, just because I've been up for an hour and a half doesn't mean I've done anything yet. Except post on my blog of course (long overdue).

I'm having my annual summer gathering next Friday so I have quite a few things I want to get done before that. Some of them I'm sure won't get done, but most of them should be doable. They are relatively minor things like getting flowers planted and cleaning. I had hoped that my dad would be able to get my back door replaced before the party, but he got hurt a couple months ago and is moving a little slower. He and Mom will be up before the summer is over, though, so I just have to be patient. Perhaps I should make a list of the things I want done... I do love to cross things off a list!

I'm also planning a trip home for Father's Day this weekend. I haven't been home since... Easter I think? So it's time. It'll be the first trip since I got the wireless invisible fence, so I'll be interested to see how well it works there. The beagles have been pretty good with it at home except for one mishap involving a neighbor's collie. I guess Eddie decided the shock was worth it to make a new friend. That's why I don't leave them unattended in the front yard... it's just there so they can be up there with me. And at Mom and Dad's I intend to still go outside with them, but it will be really nice to not have to leash them.

Okay, starting my day. Time for a run, then a little flower gardening perhaps.

Weird

I got a Facebook friend request today from D., which I accepted. I harbor no ill will toward him, though I regret having lost my virginity to him. Not sure who I would have wanted it to be instead, but I suppose that's of no consequence.

The thing is that, D. was a bit of a man-whore back in high school. I didn't realize this until after we'd done the deed, of course, but it's true. But even with that, even he is happily married with two children now.

Somethings are just not fair.

Caffeinated Blogging

In an attempt to eat a little healthier I've been reducing my caffeine intake a bit over the past few weeks. But today was a fundraiser for one of our school groups at Barnes & Noble and I had to support them. I didn't have a list of books to buy (for once), so I though the least I could do was to have a frappucino from the cafe.

Six hours later I still feel like I'm on speed.

It's all good. I've been meaning to post anyway. I can't touch on everything because I do need to make an attempt at sleep tonight, but here's what's been on my mind tonight.

• I stopped at PetSmart to pick up filters for our library fish aquarium and stopped to look at invisible fencing products. Turns out they are 20% off right now, so I came home to do some research. I'm pretty sure I've talked myself into purchasing a wireless system that will reinforce the backyard fence, allow Copper and Eddie to be in the front yard with me if I'm washing the car or mowing, and will be portable so I can take it to my parents' house with us when we visit. It's a lot of money though, and I know I shouldn't be spending it, but it really seems to be a great system with some excellent reviews.
• Another stop tonight was at Target where I finally bought my DVD of Twilight. I wanted the Target version because it included a free download of the movie from iTunes. I will be able to take Bella and Edward wherever I go. I now realize exactly how big of a fanatic I am. The only thing is that it takes something like 6 hours to download everything, so I will have to leave my laptop on all night tonight.
• Over the course of today I went from feeling like something I really want was never going to be possible, to thinking that I might be mistaken, to wondering if it might not be already happening.
• Only 27 days of school left. The library closes in two and a half weeks.
• I don't think I've typed this fast in years.

So Much to Say

Okay, I admit it. I've been a bad blogger. I have excuses, mostly lame, some not. Mainly I've just been lazy. I've also not wanted to talk about some of the things occupying my thoughts. Which didn't really leave me with much interesting stuff to talk about.

M.'s death last month hit me hard. As hard as it hit me, I can't even imagine what it's been like for his family and close friends. I've been in closer contact with some people we had in common and I plan to stop and visit with his mom and dad when I am home for Easter in a couple of weeks. His death has also caused me to do some evaluation of my life. One of those "life is too short" realizations has spurred me to move ahead with a decision that I've been putting off for years.

And that decision is the one that I'm not going to discuss with the blogosphere just yet. The people who are closest to me in my real life know what it is and have been overwhelmingly supportive. Hopefully I will be in a position someday soon to talk about that decision here, but for now it needs to remain private.

Work has been tumultuous. Our district offered an early retirement incentive as a cost-cutting measure which was accepted by eight teachers. So everyday is about conjecture as we discuss what positions will be be replaced and who might potentially be moving into those positions. I've also had some inside information (that I'm not supposed to know about) that my media position might not be secure, so that has also caused some stress. Thanks to seniority, I'm not in danger of not having a job or anything, but there's a chance I will be back in a classroom next year. That doesn't bother me as much as thinking about what that change will do to the media program. I know I've only been in charge of it for two years, but I already feel such ownership over it and hate to think of what will likely happen to it without support.

I'm working on streamlining my life, particularly my home. I have way too much "stuff" that I simply don't need, or at least I don't need it on a daily basis. So I'm in the process of making some decisions about what needs to go into a garage sale or to charity and what could potentially end up in a storage facility. If I only had a basement...

I'm also trying to get back into working out and watching what I'm eating. I was doing pretty well with exercise until I went to New Orleans back in January and lost my momentum. I've also been hovering about the same weight for the last couple of months after taking off about five pounds right after the holidays. I still need to take off about twenty more to get back to where I was in the fall of '07, which was my lowest weight. I made it to the gym both yesterday and today, which is a start, but I'm usually so tired after work during the week that I never want to go. Hopefully I will have established the beginnings of a habit this weekend that will continue into the week. I know I won't make it on Thursday because we have conferences, but maybe that can be my goal... if I go Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, I know I get to take Thursday off!

Well, it's a start.

Loss

Someone very dear to me passed away last week. I hadn't talked to M. for many years... I'm not even sure how many. Perhaps fifteen or so. His health problems had started already before the last time I saw him and steadily deteriorated in the years since.

M. was my first love, my first kiss. We dated twenty years ago when I was a freshman and he was a sophomore. We were together for seven months before we just kind of drifted apart. The only person I've been with for longer than that was my ex-fiance. Even after we broke up we were good friends throughout high school, but lost touch after that. I knew that he got married. He was no longer married when he died, although his wife was at the funeral. My assumption is that his health put too much strain on the marriage.

I knew that M.'s health was bad and he's been on my mind a lot lately. I'm friends with his brother and sister-in-law on Facebook and had sent a note to J. (his brother) a couple months ago asking that he let M. know that he was in my thoughts. Other than that I never contacted him. I wanted to, but I wasn't sure what his condition was and only found out recently that he was no longer married... I didn't want to step on any toes.

M.'s sister-in-law sent me a message Friday night telling me he had passed away and that his funeral was Saturday. Luckily I got it early enough that I was able to make the two-hour drive back to my hometown so I could attend. I couldn't not be there.

And now I'm overcome by the memories and the feeling of loss. I keep laughing over the happy memories and funny stories that friends have been sharing and those that I am keeping to myself. And I find myself tearing up repeatedly when I think of how he is gone. I keep kicking myself for not sending him a letter or calling when he was still alive. I know that he now knows that he was in my thoughts, but it doesn't make it any easier.

And I can't help feeling that I shouldn't be feeling such loss. M. hasn't been an active part of my life for seventeen years. But the attack of memories are making it feel like yesterday. And I know I'm romanticizing my time with him because, let's face it, ultimately we DID break up. But for some reason I am feeling grief for the loss of M. like I have for no one else. I'm just feeling a little lost right now and that's about all I can focus on.

Top Ten Things I Never Thought I'd See or Experience Until I Spent a Weekend In New Orleans

Honorable Mention: Miniature pony being walked down Bourbon St.

10. People walking down a city street with beer and other cocktails in plastic cups.

9. A guy painted head to toe with silver paint.

8. Strip clubs and sex shops every other door.

7. Bikini-clad girl with leg warmers and platform heels dancing in a doorway.

6. Beads left in the trees from previous years’ Mardi Gras.

5. A Leprechaun and his pot of gold.

4. Visiting CVS 5 times in a 36 hour period.

3. The nearly 2 inch gap under the door of our hotel room.

2. Guy humping the railing of his balcony with his penis hanging out of his pants at 9 p.m.

And finally...1. Being offered a drink by a drunk chili cook-off champion on the way back to the hotel. Shee-it!