Where to Begin?

Yeah, yeah, I know it's been a while. On one hand, things are happening. The days are just packed. But on the other, I feel it's just the mundane stuff that happens in everyone's life and no one would be interested in reading about it.

So I started to question whether or not I want to continue blogging. Lord knows it's caused more than enough grief in my life (well, that and MySpace). And if I'm not excited about doing it, then why should I?

But then, why did I start blogging in the first place? I certainly didn't do it for the fame and notoriety. I think I had been writing for months before I even got my first regular readers, and I think that may have only been because I started commenting on the blogs of others. And now I think I've even lost most of those readers due to my lack of posting as of late. So it's almost like I'm back to square one. I could kind of start fresh. And I've thought of doing just that, actually. New blog, new name, perhaps more of a fiction format. And I might still do that.

But I also want to keep my "real" blog. Even though things have changed in my life. While I'm still mainly the same person I was two and a half years ago when I started blogging, some things that have happened have also left me changed. Sure, I've always been a sarcastic little wench, but I feel like I used to have a more positive outlook on things. I used to be able to laugh more at the inane situations that life sent my way. I feel a lot more cynical now. I was just having a conversation with a co-worker today about how I feel like I question everything. Sure, it's mainly at work that I do this, and I'm sure it's primarily an after-effect of what happened to me last year about this time, but I fear it's clouded who I am as a whole as well.

So, what to do? There are no clear answers, at least not as far as blogging goes. But there are some universal truths to my life that I'm starting to accept, such as:

• It's going to be a long time before I feel comfortable in my job again. And perhaps I never will as long at I am with my current employer. In some ways things are better, and maybe I'll feel different when I've completed this full year following "the incident," but particularly as long as certain people are in positions of authority I am going to be uncomfortable.
• I'm still in Love with B. I hate that he got me to fall all over again after I had gotten over him the first time and now I just can't seem to do it again. It should have been easier because he actually hurt me (albeit unintentionally) this time, but my heart still races and I get short of breath when I see him. It's been a year and it's not any easier.
• And on a related note, I don't see myself ever finding real Love again. My relationships are few and far between, and more often than not turn into some sort of friends-with-benefits arrangement.
• I'm really lousy with money. Every time I think I might start making some headway, I make some poor choices and dig myself further into the hole. I'm not looking at bankruptcy or anything, but, for what I make, I should be living a much more comfortable lifestyle than I am.

So that's where things stand. Now that I have all that out maybe I can get back to posting regularly. And even if it's the mundane that I'm writing about, at least I'm writing, and at least I'm writing for me.