Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Miscellaneous Ghouls

Happy Halloween!

Luckily, getting new tires on the Jeep was not the frightening experience I was fearing. Not only did the final cost come in very close to the estimate (despite a price increase since then), but I had them check my brakes and they are good for another 20-25,000 miles. I was a happy camper. I only had them checked because my Jeep has 62,000 miles on it and I know people who have had their brakes fixed twice or more in that time. So, while I will have a sizable Visa bill to pay in December, at least I will not be shelling out for brakes for another year or (hopefully) longer.

There was a historical figure costume contest at work today. I did not participate due to time constraints. I really wanted to but, as I've mentioned, grad school has sapped all my creativity. And even if I had been able to come up with a figure, I had no time to put a costume together. It makes me sad as I usually do dress up for Halloween, but this makes two years that I haven't (again... too busy to get a costume put together). But there were some really excellent costumes. Our hallways were graced today with the likes of Anne Frank, Lizzie Borden, and a couple of Jackie Kennedys. Quite entertaining.

Sad to say, I am not handing out candy tonight. I usually do, but it just shows how busy (and broke) I am that I haven't had time to get to the store for candy. If I just had a few trick-or-treaters from my own neighborhood, I would probably make an effort to get some, but since most of them are brought in by the vanload from the city, I don't feel too guilty. Plus, this way I know I'll have a couple of uninterrupted hours to get work done rather than running to the door every couple of minutes and trying to hold on to Copper while I hand out candy.

On a final note, my new distraction must be working (yeah, I took that post off out of fear that it might be found and I would be hugely embarrassed, so if you don't know what I'm talking about, you'll have to deal with it). Even though there doesn't seem to be any remarkable progress on that front, it does take my mind off of B. One day last week I was asked to sub on my conference hour and he came in to that room with a question for the regular teacher.

"You're a funny looking Mrs. N," he quipped.
"I'm just plain funny looking," I quipped back.

Then, today, I was heading back to my room from the office and found him at the end of my hallway.

"We don't have any treats down here. Just tricks," I teased.
"There also seems to be a haunted trail going into your room," he returned, referring to a sign belonging to another teacher.
"That's what they tell me."

All the while he had his typical goofy grin plastered on his face. I used to love that grin, but it didn't make my stomach do flip-flops today. So, even if this new distraction (which I don't have to see every day) turns into nothing, it will be worth it to get me past the old one (which I do have to see every day).

Happy Haunting...

Monday, October 30, 2006

Autumn Thoughts

I mowed the lawn today for what I hope will be the last time of the year. We had a lovely fall day and most of the leaves have finally fallen from my maple tree, so I thought it was time. I also took the opportunity to put some lawn decorations away as well as clean out the flower bed. Well, all except the handful of plants that are still green and have flowers on them. I just can't bring myself to pull up living plants.

There's just something wrong about mowing the lawn when there are already Christmas decorations in the stores. Of course, the real problem could be that there are Christmas decorations is the stores when it's not even Halloween yet! And then there's the house I drove by about a week ago that already has Christmas decorations in the front yard. Now THAT is sick and wrong.

I decided to try Copper with a little more freedom today. I only put up one of her gates so she had the utility room and the computer room in addition to the kitchen. I thought it might be nice to get her bed out of the kitchen and let her have a little more room to roam. Unfortunately, she showed me that she's not up to the challenge. She tore up a patch of carpet in front of the door into the garage. Not nice carpet or anything, but now it has me wondering when I'll be able to do something about it. I plan to put new flooring in the utility room eventually anyway, but I wanted to wait and do it at the same time as I have the kitchen redone. That's going to be a hefty (and expensive) job, so who knows when that will be.

Money is definitely tight right now. I put off buying new tires for the Jeep a month longer than I wanted to just so that I could time the credit card statements right and not have to pay for them until December. How sad is that? At any rate, tomorrow is the day, so hopefully I will stop being quite so paranoid about driving when the roads are wet.

I think that grad school has sapped my creativity. My blog posts are dull and mundane. I hate that. I sure hope that, when I am done in six more weeks I will regain my witty and sarcastic banter. In the meantime, I'm going to attempt National Blog Posting Month. What the Hell am I thinking? I guess I'm thinking that my blog posts have become sparse and pathetic and maybe this will give me the kick in the butt that I need. I don't know if I'll actually be able to do it, but I might as well try!

Hopefully Copper and Coal will have a very interesting month.

Sunday, October 29, 2006

Wish I Was There

Grand Rapids has about a million construction zones and one-way streets. But I love it anyway.

I got to spend a couple days back home last week. Every time I'm there I miss it even more. I love the skywalks that connect the hotels, parking ramps, and the arena. I love my favorite radio station. I love the BOB. I love the Grand River. I even love those construction zones and one-way streets and the fact that the exit onto the particular one-way street that I needed to take was closed.

I grew up on a farm. I now live in a suburb. But I would love to live in a condo right downtown in Grand Rapids. I probably never will because I hate the idea of giving up my fenced backyard for Copper, but I sure would like the chance. I hope that I get it one day.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006


I just have to make it through the next couple of weeks.

I'm behind in work for my research class. I have an article that I need to read and comment on by Saturday. When am I going to read it? Not tonight (Lost is on in a few minutes). Not tomorrow I'm sure (I'll let you know why at a later date). Guess it will be Friday. At least I don't have to drive to Detroit for class on Saturday. We are doing online activities instead. That will save me a few hours of drive time that I might be able to use for work instead.

I've got 30 practicum hours in. Only 60 to go. I've turned in my first journal submission, but still need to get my project proposal done. At least I know what my project is now, which is better than I was doing not long ago. I just need to do a little research to back up why it's a good project.

I've got a couple of assignments that I need to grade. Nothing big, but I just haven't had the time or energy to get to them yet. Home time has been filled up with grad school work and sleeping (I'm fighting off the tail end of a cold). I really have been using my prep time wisely, but there's just so much to do! At least I don't lose my conference hour to team meetings twice a week like I did the last two years. I don't know how I survived on so little prep time!

Starting tomorrow my English classes will be taking the all important MEAP test. Seven days of testing for seventh graders. And this after three days of math testing. Are the state bureaucrats insane? At least we are a grade where the kids only have two tests. Some grades also have a science or social studies test in addition to the Math and English tests.

Beginning on Tuesday next week I will be out of my classroom for five of the next ten days. I didn't really want to do it, but I need to get those practicum hours in so I am using a personal day and have a couple doctor appointments scheduled (which I then use the remainder of the day to go to my practicum site). I also have that media specialist conference to go to which will be two days.

I'm really looking forward to the conference. Not only do I get to count some of the hours towards my practicum, but it is in Grand Rapids, so I get to spend a couple nights with Mom and Dad. I have tentative plans to meet one of my friends from high school for a drink one night, too. Plus, I just love being back in West Michigan. I miss being there so much.

Hope to do a little better in the posting department than I have recently. More in the days to come.

Monday, October 09, 2006


No, it's not a post about work. Things are actually going fairly well at work. I even got word today that the media specialist conference I want to go to is going to be paid for by the district instead of me (I only asked for school business days off and offered to pay the conference fee myself since it's not in my current job assignment). That will save me some cash.

And I know I've been slacking when it comes to posting here. I even wonder if anyone is still checking in because it's been so irregular. Not that it matters. I like readers and all, but I need to focus on writing for me.

But I digress... back to the demons.

Those who read my old blog may remember me talking about a person who I had discussed having a relationship with... we'll call him B. B and I had a big disagreement over the place that he wants to live and I refuse to live (a blogged about conversation which was ultimately used against me). It was silly as we were only beginning to discuss even dating, but the disagreement festered until it seemed that B wasn't acting the same around me. I would make an effort to talk to him and get him to do stuff with me, but it just wasn't happening.

And then the work drama happened. Many other people managed to call or send e-mails offering their support or at least letting me know that I was in their thoughts. But not B. From the one person whose opinion really mattered to me and whose support I really needed... not one word.

I found out about a month after the work drama started that he was seeing someone else. Someone that I indirectly know. Someone who lives where he wants to live. And he had been seeing her for a couple of months (a month before I wasn't around for him to talk to anymore). Kind of explained why he was suddenly awkward around me back in April. Also explained (to some extent... but still no excuse) why he never sent me a word of support when I really needed it.

But it pissed me off that he was dating this person for a month while I was around every day and never said a word about it. Obviously he had every right to start seeing someone else. If he decided things weren't going to work with me, but might with her, that doesn't make me happy, but it's understandable. But shouldn't he have let me in on this news? Shouldn't he have told me himself instead of letting me find out through the grapevine that he was dating someone else? And shouldn't he have let me know so that I didn't make a fool of myself by continuing to ask him to spend time with me? Trust me, he had ample opportunity. I remember one conversation in particular in the parking lot asking him point-blank what was going on between us. His response? "I'm not sure."

So now it's fall and in the six weeks we've been back to work, he has said exactly one word to me (and that took four weeks). That word? A "hi" as we nearly ran into each other in the office. I can't even look at him when I see him around the building because 1. I am still too angry and 2. It still hurts too much. I was in love with him two years ago and he with me. I thought I had gotten over it because I had to, but when the possibility came around again in February, it came rushing back like it was never gone. And I'm having a bit more difficulty letting go this time. He obviously did not have the same problem.

So what brought this to a head today? I had a dream last night.

Now, I am not a new age dream analyzer by any stretch of the imagination. I usually laugh at my dreams and forget them. But sometimes I will have one that will hit so close to home that I can't seem to let it go. I had one of those last night.

In this dream, B got married to the woman he is seeing. Now. Not a year down the road when I've had a chance to heal. Now.

This is crazy. I don't even know if his divorce is final, although it might be. But even if it is, he wouldn't really be so stupid as to jump back into another marriage this quick, would he? I'm not so sure. He's told me before that he doesn't do well alone. He's the type of guy who has to be in a relationship. And I can completely see him rushing into marriage again.

It's his life and I have nothing to do with it, so if he gets married again right away it's none of my concern.

Except I feel like it is my concern. Or at least I want it to be. But I don't want it to be. I want to move on and get past how I feel about him so I can be friends with him again because this not being able to look at him thing really sucks and I miss my friend (how's that for stream of consciousness?).

And it's driving me crazy because I can't talk to anyone about this. The only person who has even a vague idea how I feel about him doesn't really have a clue about how I really feel about him and what things were between us once. The only person who could really understand is B, and it's not like I can pour my heart out to him. So I guess that's why it's posted here.