Demons

No, it's not a post about work. Things are actually going fairly well at work. I even got word today that the media specialist conference I want to go to is going to be paid for by the district instead of me (I only asked for school business days off and offered to pay the conference fee myself since it's not in my current job assignment). That will save me some cash.

And I know I've been slacking when it comes to posting here. I even wonder if anyone is still checking in because it's been so irregular. Not that it matters. I like readers and all, but I need to focus on writing for me.

But I digress... back to the demons.

Those who read my old blog may remember me talking about a person who I had discussed having a relationship with... we'll call him B. B and I had a big disagreement over the place that he wants to live and I refuse to live (a blogged about conversation which was ultimately used against me). It was silly as we were only beginning to discuss even dating, but the disagreement festered until it seemed that B wasn't acting the same around me. I would make an effort to talk to him and get him to do stuff with me, but it just wasn't happening.

And then the work drama happened. Many other people managed to call or send e-mails offering their support or at least letting me know that I was in their thoughts. But not B. From the one person whose opinion really mattered to me and whose support I really needed... not one word.

I found out about a month after the work drama started that he was seeing someone else. Someone that I indirectly know. Someone who lives where he wants to live. And he had been seeing her for a couple of months (a month before I wasn't around for him to talk to anymore). Kind of explained why he was suddenly awkward around me back in April. Also explained (to some extent... but still no excuse) why he never sent me a word of support when I really needed it.

But it pissed me off that he was dating this person for a month while I was around every day and never said a word about it. Obviously he had every right to start seeing someone else. If he decided things weren't going to work with me, but might with her, that doesn't make me happy, but it's understandable. But shouldn't he have let me in on this news? Shouldn't he have told me himself instead of letting me find out through the grapevine that he was dating someone else? And shouldn't he have let me know so that I didn't make a fool of myself by continuing to ask him to spend time with me? Trust me, he had ample opportunity. I remember one conversation in particular in the parking lot asking him point-blank what was going on between us. His response? "I'm not sure."

So now it's fall and in the six weeks we've been back to work, he has said exactly one word to me (and that took four weeks). That word? A "hi" as we nearly ran into each other in the office. I can't even look at him when I see him around the building because 1. I am still too angry and 2. It still hurts too much. I was in love with him two years ago and he with me. I thought I had gotten over it because I had to, but when the possibility came around again in February, it came rushing back like it was never gone. And I'm having a bit more difficulty letting go this time. He obviously did not have the same problem.

So what brought this to a head today? I had a dream last night.

Now, I am not a new age dream analyzer by any stretch of the imagination. I usually laugh at my dreams and forget them. But sometimes I will have one that will hit so close to home that I can't seem to let it go. I had one of those last night.

In this dream, B got married to the woman he is seeing. Now. Not a year down the road when I've had a chance to heal. Now.

This is crazy. I don't even know if his divorce is final, although it might be. But even if it is, he wouldn't really be so stupid as to jump back into another marriage this quick, would he? I'm not so sure. He's told me before that he doesn't do well alone. He's the type of guy who has to be in a relationship. And I can completely see him rushing into marriage again.

It's his life and I have nothing to do with it, so if he gets married again right away it's none of my concern.

Except I feel like it is my concern. Or at least I want it to be. But I don't want it to be. I want to move on and get past how I feel about him so I can be friends with him again because this not being able to look at him thing really sucks and I miss my friend (how's that for stream of consciousness?).

And it's driving me crazy because I can't talk to anyone about this. The only person who has even a vague idea how I feel about him doesn't really have a clue about how I really feel about him and what things were between us once. The only person who could really understand is B, and it's not like I can pour my heart out to him. So I guess that's why it's posted here.