The Obsession Continues
Last night while I was driving home after our return from Mackinac Island, I felt my heart start to race. Why? Because I was behind a car of the exact same make, model, and color as B.'s, which also had the same style of license plate. I know that sounds funny, but when you live in a state with such a ridiculous number of license plate styles** as I do, it is remarkable. I literally thought it was him until I got close enough to see that the plate number was not the same and, therefore, it was not him.
And it seemed as if everywhere I went yesterday, I would see or hear something that made me think of him. Sometimes it was a song playing in a store (or on my iPod), then we watched Shrek on the way there and Shrek 2 on the way home (it would require too much explaining, but trust me, there's a connection). Or, something would come up in conversation and it would make me think of something he and I had once shared or talked about. I tell ya, it was like he was haunting me.
I had a long talk with one of my co-workers (who is like my second mom), C. on Friday last week. C. knew last spring that there was something brewing between B. and I, but not that we already had a history. I ended up filling her in on the whole story and admitting for the first time to someone outside the Internet that I am still very much hung up on him. C. is convinced that B.'s current relationship (with the woman he moved in with two months after he started dating her and three months before his divorce was final) will not last. She thinks it was convenient and got him through a rough patch at the time when I didn't give him the answers he wanted from me (I didn't want him to move in with me right away, nor was I willing to sell my house and move in with him if he bought one). She also thinks he'll be back at my door when it does fall apart. The thing is... I know what my answer would be in that situation, but I know it shouldn't be my answer. He broke my heart, for God's sake! But I also know that I've never felt the same before or since I met him.
And I've noticed, since I am more able to actually look at him without falling to pieces lately, that the way he looks at me... well... it hasn't changed. It's the same way he looked at me when he knew me completely, loved me, adored me, but knew we couldn't be together. Is he feeling it again, too? And it's got me thinking, maybe he's holding on to his current relationship because he thinks I'm no longer an option. Maybe things are already falling apart, but he's holding on with both hands simply because he doesn't want to be alone (and, yes, I know this is a huge fear for him). And maybe if he knew that I'm still right there, too, it would make a difference.
Then again... maybe not.
But I made up my mind that I can't start the summer without giving him that message. If I'm wrong, then I'll have nearly three months when I won't have to see him to get over it. The only problem is that I need to get a chance to talk to him alone. It would be ideal to catch him after school, but most days, his girlfriend's daughter rides to and from school with him, so I can't risk her overhearing any conversation. So I came up with the perfect opportunity! On Tuesday, the eighth grade takes their trip to Cedar Point. I know the girlfriend's daughter won't be at school, so I can catch him alone!
And then I found out today that I also will be going to Cedar Point with the eighth grade.
Why must I be foiled at every turn?
I know I could send him an e-mail and it would probably be easier, but I need to tell him what I have to say in person. I need to see what his reaction is for myself and not sit around waiting for a response to a letter. And more than anything, I need to have the opportunity to kiss him. There was always such electricity between us when we would kiss or touch in any way. I have to see if it's still there, and if we both still feel it, or if it's just me. Technology is great, but you can't do that via e-mail.
**Am I the only one who thinks the variety of license plates available in Michigan is excessive? There's the standard blue plate with white lettering, which is in the process of being replaced by a white plate with blue lettering, then there's the new blue and green fancy plate, the old orange and blue fancy plate, the even older auto industry centennial plate, and multitudes of fundraiser and state university plates. Everytime I see an unfamiliar plate and think it's an out-of-state one, I find it's just a new style!
And it seemed as if everywhere I went yesterday, I would see or hear something that made me think of him. Sometimes it was a song playing in a store (or on my iPod), then we watched Shrek on the way there and Shrek 2 on the way home (it would require too much explaining, but trust me, there's a connection). Or, something would come up in conversation and it would make me think of something he and I had once shared or talked about. I tell ya, it was like he was haunting me.
I had a long talk with one of my co-workers (who is like my second mom), C. on Friday last week. C. knew last spring that there was something brewing between B. and I, but not that we already had a history. I ended up filling her in on the whole story and admitting for the first time to someone outside the Internet that I am still very much hung up on him. C. is convinced that B.'s current relationship (with the woman he moved in with two months after he started dating her and three months before his divorce was final) will not last. She thinks it was convenient and got him through a rough patch at the time when I didn't give him the answers he wanted from me (I didn't want him to move in with me right away, nor was I willing to sell my house and move in with him if he bought one). She also thinks he'll be back at my door when it does fall apart. The thing is... I know what my answer would be in that situation, but I know it shouldn't be my answer. He broke my heart, for God's sake! But I also know that I've never felt the same before or since I met him.
And I've noticed, since I am more able to actually look at him without falling to pieces lately, that the way he looks at me... well... it hasn't changed. It's the same way he looked at me when he knew me completely, loved me, adored me, but knew we couldn't be together. Is he feeling it again, too? And it's got me thinking, maybe he's holding on to his current relationship because he thinks I'm no longer an option. Maybe things are already falling apart, but he's holding on with both hands simply because he doesn't want to be alone (and, yes, I know this is a huge fear for him). And maybe if he knew that I'm still right there, too, it would make a difference.
Then again... maybe not.
But I made up my mind that I can't start the summer without giving him that message. If I'm wrong, then I'll have nearly three months when I won't have to see him to get over it. The only problem is that I need to get a chance to talk to him alone. It would be ideal to catch him after school, but most days, his girlfriend's daughter rides to and from school with him, so I can't risk her overhearing any conversation. So I came up with the perfect opportunity! On Tuesday, the eighth grade takes their trip to Cedar Point. I know the girlfriend's daughter won't be at school, so I can catch him alone!
And then I found out today that I also will be going to Cedar Point with the eighth grade.
Why must I be foiled at every turn?
I know I could send him an e-mail and it would probably be easier, but I need to tell him what I have to say in person. I need to see what his reaction is for myself and not sit around waiting for a response to a letter. And more than anything, I need to have the opportunity to kiss him. There was always such electricity between us when we would kiss or touch in any way. I have to see if it's still there, and if we both still feel it, or if it's just me. Technology is great, but you can't do that via e-mail.
**Am I the only one who thinks the variety of license plates available in Michigan is excessive? There's the standard blue plate with white lettering, which is in the process of being replaced by a white plate with blue lettering, then there's the new blue and green fancy plate, the old orange and blue fancy plate, the even older auto industry centennial plate, and multitudes of fundraiser and state university plates. Everytime I see an unfamiliar plate and think it's an out-of-state one, I find it's just a new style!
Labels: Friends, The Pursuit of Happiness
posted by Charlie at 5:24 PM
1 Comments:
Not that my opinion counts, but face-to-face is infinitely better than via technology. I think it's a good idea and I hope you get the chance to talk to him soon. I don't know the history but it sounds like it's something worth saving. Good luck.
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