Or... Maybe Not

So I just read my last couple of posts and the last one said something about having less than six months before my next one. Yeah, so about that...

It's interesting how not into blogging I am anymore, and it seems to be a common thing. I haven't even checked the blogs in my favorites in several months, but today I took a look. I'd say a third to half of them are no longer posting. For some of them it's been about as long as it has been for me, and others have signed off more recently with a farewell post.

I can't say that I'm ready to log off for good just yet, but I might be headed that direction. It's not that I don't have stuff to post about... far from it (I'll get to that). I blame Facebook. I make all my inane observations on there now. I also blame Google accounts. I use an old Yahoo email address for this blog that doesn't contain my real name so, to log into it I have to log out of my "actual" Google account. And Google won't let me change my address on this blog to my GMail one. It's just annoying.

So... for now, the blog stays active... well, that's kind of a relative term considering the infrequency of posts!

So what have I been up to?

• I had to fight to keep my job again this spring due to budget reductions. Luckily it never came to a vote (at least it hasn't yet and school starts in under 3 weeks), but that consumed my energy for a while.
• Luke was home on leave last month for a little over two weeks. We were constantly on the move... visiting family & friends and doing a little traveling of our own. Luke spent lots of money by buying a truck (which is currently in my driveway but will be going to my parents' house to be stored for the winter) and something sparkly (which is now on my left hand).
• So now I am planning a wedding for next September. Luke will be back in the U.S. in the spring and will be starting a new job in Washington, D.C. I will be joining him there sometime during the summer. He hopes to get home for another visit this winter.
• Of course, this means I will be looking for a new job in the spring, which is a little nerve-wracking because, while I always look good on paper, I have never interviewed well. And I have to put my house up for sale in the midst of a painful housing market. If it sells at all I will be taking a huge loss on it. I am almost planning on trying to find someone to rent it, but that is such a hassle as well.
• Luckily the fur children are doing well and love their new dad... It was amazing how quickly they bonded with Luke... and how sad they were when he was gone.

So... another six months? I'll do my best.

The Times, They are a-Changin'. Well... Sort of...

Yeah, so... It's been over six months. Let's recap briefly as there have been a few happenings since late July.

• That pile of stuff that needed to go to Goodwill...? Finally ended up there on December 21. As late as I could possibly get it there and still use the deduction on my 2009 taxes. I am currently in another purging and simplifying phase. Hopefully I can get another carload there soon.
• The new back door got installed in August. It took two trips by my parents because there were tools Dad didn't know he'd need, but it got done and it has made a HUGE difference in the temperature of my back room. It is so much warmer back there that I didn't bother to put the plastic film stuff over the windows this year. Of course, I still haven't got the second coat of pain on the door frame or painted the door itself yet. Eh, can't rush things!
• The super-secret summer project which was put on hold in July has now been deemed unneccessary.
• Luke... ah, Luke. Where to begin? Guess I'll just jump right in as say that I have finally found the love of my life... and it turns out that I've known him for 20 years. The trip to Germany was fantastic and to say that we hit it off is putting it mildly. Everything was just so comfortable between us from the beginning and yet the sparks were flying. I've heard people say that you just know when it's right and I never believed it because I hadn't ever experienced it myself. Well, now I know it's true. At least it is for me and Luke. The downside? He leaves for Turkey in about two weeks and will be there for 15 months with only one trip home in there somewhere. He was hoping for a new position that would have had him back in the U.S. in June, but it fell through. He doesn't know yet where he will be going after Turkey, but wherever that is, I intend to go with him.
• Weight Watchers has been going well. At one point I was down about fifteen pounds, but I've stalled a bit in the new year since I haven't really been following it or running. I'm back up a couple of pounds, but am determined to get back on the wagon soon. I may even run a 5 or 8K race next month.

Stay tuned. Perhaps next time will be in less than six months.

Who Are You Again?

Seems this summer has not been a fruitful one for blogging. And it's not just me. Some of my standard reads have been a little sparse as of late as well. A couple of them have new babies, so that's totally understandable, but even those who don't have been a little scarce. Makes me wonder if the charm has worn off for many of us. But enough editorializing...

I was really busy this summer, right up until my party. Then I think I lost all my motivation to get anything done. You'd think that the end of the summer would be enough of a deadline for me to launch into high speed, but not yet anyway. I still have about five weeks left. Some years that's half the summer, but this year it's well past the halfway point as the kids don't return until September 8.

So, what have I been doing with my summer? Well...

• I took part in a garage sale with some girls from work and got rid of a bit of stuff, which started me on a purging kick, but I've somehow stalled. I've sorted out bags of clothes for Goodwill from the dressers and my bedroom closet, but haven't yet gotten to the cabinet where I keep my sweaters and sweatshirts in the spare room, the closet in that room, or the coat closet. I also have the two boxes of items left from the garage sale that will be going still sitting in my living room. Honestly, it would probably take me about two more hours and I'd have everything sorted and a list made (for tax deduction purposes) so it could get out of here.
• I still haven't gotten a new backdoor put up, but maybe in the next couple of weeks Mom and Dad will make it up here and that will get done.
• My super-secret summer project has, so far, been unsuccessful and is now being put on hold temporarily. I could explain the reasons, but then it would be obvious what the project is.
• I attended a gathering of my high school band friends a week ago. We've had these in the past and they are always a lot of fun, but this year's was not very well attended. I did get to see G. and W. and I was able to talk very kindly with them. W. even asked how to make the pudding shots that I brought to the party and I graciously wrote out the recipe for her.
• Another friend from high school was home on leave from the military at the same time. Luke wrote to me in mid-June to see if I'd like to get together, so he came to visit two weeks ago. We had a great time reminiscing and getting caught up on each other's lives. He stayed over (on the couch) and we had lunch together the next day. I saw him again at the band reunion and we've started a regular correspondence. I'm going to visit him over winter vacation (he's in Germany), and we are going to spend New Year's in Paris! I finally get to use my new passport! Is there potential...? Perhaps. Technically he is an ex-boyfriend as we were "going together" for about a month when I was a sophomore and he was a freshman... you know... those relationships where you're too young to actually go on dates so instead it's just a lot of hand holding and kissing when no adults are around. He's always been a very sweet guy, but I can't say I was all that attracted to him back in school. Now, however... damn. The years have been good to him and he is a fine looking man. The main issue is the distance. He's in Germany until February, then will be going to Turkey for fifteen months before he will be back in the U.S. That's nearly two years, and even then he won't be anywhere terribly close. But I suppose that, if things have developed between us at that point, minus the physical contact, we'll have a better idea if it's worthwhile for me to go where he is. At that point he'll only have about three years left before he can retire.
• I rejoined Weight Watchers last week. After I saw a picture from the band reunion I decided it was time. I've gained back all the weight I lost four years ago and then some over the last couple of years. I had to buy new shorts this summer because I couldn't get into any of my old ones. What's funny is that people tell me all the time how I don't need to lose weight. I know I don't look as heavy as I am, but it bothers me that I can't wear the cute little tops I was wearing two years ago. I guess I should be grateful that I carry my weight fairly well, but I'm also concerned for health reasons. My BMI is only one point from being considered obese! How is that possible? At any rate, I'm down two pounds already, so I'm off to a good start. I'd really like to be down twenty-five for my trip in December (twenty-two weeks away) and it's definitely possible. Just got to stay focused!

That's it in a nutshell, I guess. Time to get some exercise in for the day.

Weird

I got a Facebook friend request today from D., which I accepted. I harbor no ill will toward him, though I regret having lost my virginity to him. Not sure who I would have wanted it to be instead, but I suppose that's of no consequence.

The thing is that, D. was a bit of a man-whore back in high school. I didn't realize this until after we'd done the deed, of course, but it's true. But even with that, even he is happily married with two children now.

Somethings are just not fair.

Caffeinated Blogging

In an attempt to eat a little healthier I've been reducing my caffeine intake a bit over the past few weeks. But today was a fundraiser for one of our school groups at Barnes & Noble and I had to support them. I didn't have a list of books to buy (for once), so I though the least I could do was to have a frappucino from the cafe.

Six hours later I still feel like I'm on speed.

It's all good. I've been meaning to post anyway. I can't touch on everything because I do need to make an attempt at sleep tonight, but here's what's been on my mind tonight.

• I stopped at PetSmart to pick up filters for our library fish aquarium and stopped to look at invisible fencing products. Turns out they are 20% off right now, so I came home to do some research. I'm pretty sure I've talked myself into purchasing a wireless system that will reinforce the backyard fence, allow Copper and Eddie to be in the front yard with me if I'm washing the car or mowing, and will be portable so I can take it to my parents' house with us when we visit. It's a lot of money though, and I know I shouldn't be spending it, but it really seems to be a great system with some excellent reviews.
• Another stop tonight was at Target where I finally bought my DVD of Twilight. I wanted the Target version because it included a free download of the movie from iTunes. I will be able to take Bella and Edward wherever I go. I now realize exactly how big of a fanatic I am. The only thing is that it takes something like 6 hours to download everything, so I will have to leave my laptop on all night tonight.
• Over the course of today I went from feeling like something I really want was never going to be possible, to thinking that I might be mistaken, to wondering if it might not be already happening.
• Only 27 days of school left. The library closes in two and a half weeks.
• I don't think I've typed this fast in years.

Things I'm Glad I Didn't Know at the Beginning of the Day

B. got married today.

He didn't even tell his (former) best friend, let alone me. We both found out through the grapevine today. Silly me, if the roles were reversed, I would have the common decency to fill him in ahead of time. I'm not sure why I have such expectations of him.

It's not that I still want him. If this afternoon's conversation at choir practice taught me nothing else, it taught me that.

It's not that I don't want him to be happy. Well... maybe a little right now.

It's that I don't understand how some people go from relationship to relationship with such ease, when I'm so painfully single and have been for so long. I'm a good person. I'm not bad to look at. I'd be very happy with just a boyfriend. I don't think that's asking too much.

So I'm a little bitter right now. Please excuse me while I revel in it.

Frustrating

There's someone I'd really like to hear from. It's been since Friday. I know he's currently very busy, so I understand why he hasn't had time to send me an email, but it doesn't make the waiting any more tolerable.

Two more weeks and he'll be home. He's supposed to have a lot more free time then. We'll see.

Thankful

I'm thankful for:

• The cuddly kitty-cat currently nestled up in the chair behind me.
• The world's cutest beagle dog who went back to bed after going outdoors.
• The first accumulating snow of the winter... it's so pretty out!
• The health of my family... I know many people who aren't so lucky.
• The love of my friends... I have more offers of things to do while I'm home tonight than I can do!
• A friend who is willing to go way above and beyond if I ask him to.
• Being able to see Drew again last night before he leaves for Iraq.
• Having my own home where I can do whatever I want.
• Rejuvenating old friendships with people I had grown apart from.
• The possibility of something more developing from one of those old friendships.
• Finally being in a job that I truly love.
• The support of colleagues in that job.
• The freedom to live as I wish (and all the men and women who are fighting to keep it that way).

I guess I have things pretty good. Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Ten Years.. Or... The Annual Celebration of My Freedom

It's my anniversary. Ten years ago today was my wedding day. Or rather... it was supposed to be my wedding day.

About five months before the planned date we had put a hold on the planning since G. was having some massive cold feet. And then I learned a couple weeks later of my fiance's infidelitites, which really put an end to it.

And yet, that wasn't the end. I didn't talk to him for a couple of months, but, before I knew it, we were seeing each other again. But he was also still seeing her. I battled for his affections for about six months before I finally realized that things were never going to be the same again.

The next year I moved across the state and he eventually moved to Chicago. We would still run into each other at gatherings with his sister (my best friend, Sue). He would call me on occasion, but I would always make some sarcastic remark about how, perhaps, he should be calling his girlfriend instead of his ex-fiancee.

W. finished school and moved to Chicago with him, and the phone calls stopped. I learned later from Sue that they were engaged. I tried to make plans to go out and get really drunk on their wedding night, but plans fell through and instead I stayed home feeling sorry for myself.

They have since moved back to Michigan. And two years ago I got the news that they had a baby. A little girl.

The most recent update I got on them was at Thanksgiving. And it helped me to know that I am better off.

But it still hurts some. Not that I don't have him, because it is abundantly clear to me that things were not supposed to work out with him. But because all the things I wanted and he wasn't ready for 10 years ago, he now has, but I still don't. And I'm at a point where I wonder if I'm ever going to have them.

And because he was my first true love. The first of three truly life-defining relationships I've had, and I wonder if I've used up my allotment. I sure hope not, as even the most recent of those relationships is so obviously not going to happen.

The moral of the story? There isn't one. I'm not sad that I didn't marry G. I am sad that my life hasn't gone as I would have liked it to, but that isn't his fault. It's not anyone's fault. I think I just needed to commemorate the day in some way. I wonder if G. even remembers its significance...

"Falling is Easy, It's Getting Back Up that Becomes the Problem"

The vast majority of my birthday was a great day. Lots of birthday wishes from students and staff. We had an activity planned that kept our seventh graders occupied most of the morning. I got my picture in the paper with our retiring principal and media specialist, along with our assistant principal (who is our new principal). There were also two staff gatherings after school, which were just what I needed by the time I left. As I characterized it to C., the talk didn't go badly, but it didn't go as I planned, either.

It took a couple of tries, but I eventually caught B. alone in his room.

"What's up?" he asked, knowing I must have something on my mind. When I had caught him in the office earlier in the day, I had made a point to mention to him that I still needed a couple minutes of his time.

I started in on my prepared speech, doing my best to hold back the tears that I knew were coming. "I wanted to tell you," deep breath, "that, above all else, I really do want you to be happy." Pause. "And if what you're in right now does that for you, then that's great..."

And that's where I got cut off. Which was probably a good thing, because that's the point where I was going to declare how I ache because I still miss him so much and how, if things ever fell apart, I would still be there.

Instead I was punched in the gut with, "Oh, I am! Things are going great. I mean, it was really rough last year when the shit hit the fan, but it all worked out." Then he went on about how stressed he was a year ago and how he had to lie to administrators and board members and his girlfriend (yeah, thanks for using that word). How he was shown copies of what I wrote and he had to deny everything.

And after I had some time to think about this... after I had left him, of course, I started to get a little mad. First of all... HE was stressed? I was the one who was in danger of losing my job, but not for what I wrote about our relationship. He was never put on a disciplinary leave because it wasn't anything he could be disciplined for and they knew it! What was learned from my writing wasn't anything that wasn't already part of small-town rumor! It was nothing he needed to be concerned about! From what I wrote, all that was known was that we had once shared an emotional bond, but I felt it was slipping away. There was no reason that he had to lie to anyone about that. Not to mention that it wasn't any business of the administrators or board members. As for his girlfriend, any connection between he and I was before they got together, so why he felt he couldn't admit to that, I have no idea. So instead, he denied everything and made me look delusional. Thanks.

At any rate, the conversation ended with him telling me how it would be okay for us to be friends there at school, but anything that would be suspicious was out of the question (like us talking alone in his room for example). Well, duh. Did he think I came in there to start an affair with him? Sorry buddy. While I will admit that I wanted to let him know that I was still interested in case things didn't work out, I had no intention of being the reason. And he didn't allow me to get to that statement anyway.

So I left the building, sat in my car for a minute, and bawled. Then I realized I needed to leave or someone was bound to come out, see me, and ask what was wrong. So I left for the party, making a stop for refreshments along the way. I had a couple more crying jags before I got to my destination, but had myself composed before I walked through the door. I was relieved that C. was already there and eventually got a chance to fill her in on the conversation without anyone else hearing.

I don't regret having talked to him. If I hadn't done it, I would be kicking myself, still wondering what he felt. And while I know now what he feels, and that it's not what I wanted, I know I'm better off. It's good that he stopped me before I could really pour my heart out. And I think he knows what I was going to say anyway... that's probably why he stopped me.

And the talk made another thing clear to me. I never realized how selfish he was. But in that conversation alone, he made that abundantly clear to me. How he gushed about how happy he is now (he had to know that would hurt me). How he talked about how stressed he was a year ago... like I should feel sorry for him (I don't). He was so proud of how he denied everything, even though that had to make me look like a crazy woman.

The feelings are still there, I know that. I still miss him. But I'm a lot more reasonable now that I've seen this other side of B. Whenever I start to get nostalgic about him, I'm trying to picture him whining about being stressed out. Or making one of his other selfish comments. I don't forsee myself being completely over him anytime soon, but I'm going to keep trying.

*Title of post from "Falling" by Staind.

Happy Day

Two reasons to have a great day today...

First, it's my birthday. We won't mention how old I am, but at least I'm still in my early 30s.

Second, it's the last day of school. I made it through the entire year without any more drama or fallout from the MySpace incident. And it's the end of my last year as a full-time classroom teacher. Next year I take over the media center (on a part-time basis while still teaching two classes).

Now if I can just catch B. to have our talk today, life will be complete.

Hopefully I'll have an update tomorrow. Tonight there is massive celebrating planned.

Nibbling the Bullet

I didn't see B. all day on Monday. I don't think he was there. Which ticked me off because I had put extra effort into my cuteness that day.

Yesterday was the eighth grade trip to Cedar Point. I harbored a tiny hope that perhaps he would be the one to drop off the girlfriend's daughter (and perhaps he did, but I didn't see him), but then realized it was a good thing I didn't see him because, OH MY GOD, how weird would that be?

So today I made a decision. I would talk to him. It may not be the talk, but I would talk to him. Additionally, the purpose of today's talk would be to tell him that I needed to talk to him.

Obviously, the talk needs to take place in private. I would prefer that the talk happen after school because I know myself well enough to know that I will cry during it and I don't want to then have to show my face and have all kinds of people ask me, "What's wrong?"

But my fear is that, if I go each day this week just hoping to catch him alone in his room after school, it may never happen. Friday is our last day and then all opportunity will be lost. So I decided to kind of make an appointment with him. That I could do when others were around. I could be vague and no one but he would understand that this talk would be personal in nature.

So I was on a mission. I had another errand to run down his hallway this morning, so there was an opportunity. But he wasn't there yet (nor was the person I needed to talk to on the errand, though). So I made another trip down his hallway during my conference hour. Errand was checked off, but mini-talk was not. His door was shut and I didn't want to draw that much attention to myself as to knock.

As lunch time began, I headed toward his room once more. I nearly lost my nerve as I crossed paths with another teacher that I feared might ask why I was down there (just in a friendly way, but still, I had no good excuse). But I wasn't asked, and I did not lose my nerve. This time the door was open, but he was obviously in the midst of a lesson. Again, didn't want to force him to interrupt what he was doing.

I nervously ate my lunch and conversed with my co-workers, but managed to leave the lounge a few minutes early. I returned to my room to leave my lunch bag, pop in a piece of gum, and refresh my lip gloss, then headed again to the back of the building. I found the door open with the welcome sight of organized chaos. The class was obviously working on some task that did not require the immediate oversight of their teacher. So I walked in.

The almost immediate warning to his students about not talking to strangers left his lips and I couldn't help but smile. It took me back to the days of our constant good-natured teasing. He went on to introduce me to his class as our new librarian... "I mean media center specialist," he corrected himself.

"That's more like it," I responded.

We chatted for just a minute about what he was doing (collecting books) before he asked why I was there. And I told him.

"I was wondering if we could talk sometime."

"Sure," came his reply.

"Just sometime, after school or something, in the next couple of days."

"Yeah, we can do that."

"Thanks."

And that was that. I stopped in C.'s room on the way back to my own with my hands still shaking to fill her in. She said she was glad I'd decided to talk to him. I trust her judgement immensely, so that validation was wonderful.

I kind of hoped that he would come down to my room after school today so I could get it over with, but he didn't. And, by the time I was down on his end of the building (on another errand), he was gone. But then I decided that it doesn't hurt to let him wonder for a few more hours what it is that I need to say to him. Maybe he knows. Maybe he doesn't. Maybe I'll get an immediate reaction (positive or negative) and maybe I'll get a call in a few weeks. But I just know that I can't let vacation start without making a few things clear to him. If the worst comes to pass, at least I'll have nearly three months before I'll have to see him again!

The Obsession Continues

Last night while I was driving home after our return from Mackinac Island, I felt my heart start to race. Why? Because I was behind a car of the exact same make, model, and color as B.'s, which also had the same style of license plate. I know that sounds funny, but when you live in a state with such a ridiculous number of license plate styles** as I do, it is remarkable. I literally thought it was him until I got close enough to see that the plate number was not the same and, therefore, it was not him.

And it seemed as if everywhere I went yesterday, I would see or hear something that made me think of him. Sometimes it was a song playing in a store (or on my iPod), then we watched Shrek on the way there and Shrek 2 on the way home (it would require too much explaining, but trust me, there's a connection). Or, something would come up in conversation and it would make me think of something he and I had once shared or talked about. I tell ya, it was like he was haunting me.

I had a long talk with one of my co-workers (who is like my second mom), C. on Friday last week. C. knew last spring that there was something brewing between B. and I, but not that we already had a history. I ended up filling her in on the whole story and admitting for the first time to someone outside the Internet that I am still very much hung up on him. C. is convinced that B.'s current relationship (with the woman he moved in with two months after he started dating her and three months before his divorce was final) will not last. She thinks it was convenient and got him through a rough patch at the time when I didn't give him the answers he wanted from me (I didn't want him to move in with me right away, nor was I willing to sell my house and move in with him if he bought one). She also thinks he'll be back at my door when it does fall apart. The thing is... I know what my answer would be in that situation, but I know it shouldn't be my answer. He broke my heart, for God's sake! But I also know that I've never felt the same before or since I met him.

And I've noticed, since I am more able to actually look at him without falling to pieces lately, that the way he looks at me... well... it hasn't changed. It's the same way he looked at me when he knew me completely, loved me, adored me, but knew we couldn't be together. Is he feeling it again, too? And it's got me thinking, maybe he's holding on to his current relationship because he thinks I'm no longer an option. Maybe things are already falling apart, but he's holding on with both hands simply because he doesn't want to be alone (and, yes, I know this is a huge fear for him). And maybe if he knew that I'm still right there, too, it would make a difference.

Then again... maybe not.

But I made up my mind that I can't start the summer without giving him that message. If I'm wrong, then I'll have nearly three months when I won't have to see him to get over it. The only problem is that I need to get a chance to talk to him alone. It would be ideal to catch him after school, but most days, his girlfriend's daughter rides to and from school with him, so I can't risk her overhearing any conversation. So I came up with the perfect opportunity! On Tuesday, the eighth grade takes their trip to Cedar Point. I know the girlfriend's daughter won't be at school, so I can catch him alone!

And then I found out today that I also will be going to Cedar Point with the eighth grade.

Why must I be foiled at every turn?

I know I could send him an e-mail and it would probably be easier, but I need to tell him what I have to say in person. I need to see what his reaction is for myself and not sit around waiting for a response to a letter. And more than anything, I need to have the opportunity to kiss him. There was always such electricity between us when we would kiss or touch in any way. I have to see if it's still there, and if we both still feel it, or if it's just me. Technology is great, but you can't do that via e-mail.

**Am I the only one who thinks the variety of license plates available in Michigan is excessive? There's the standard blue plate with white lettering, which is in the process of being replaced by a white plate with blue lettering, then there's the new blue and green fancy plate, the old orange and blue fancy plate, the even older auto industry centennial plate, and multitudes of fundraiser and state university plates. Everytime I see an unfamiliar plate and think it's an out-of-state one, I find it's just a new style!