Who Are You Again?

Seems this summer has not been a fruitful one for blogging. And it's not just me. Some of my standard reads have been a little sparse as of late as well. A couple of them have new babies, so that's totally understandable, but even those who don't have been a little scarce. Makes me wonder if the charm has worn off for many of us. But enough editorializing...

I was really busy this summer, right up until my party. Then I think I lost all my motivation to get anything done. You'd think that the end of the summer would be enough of a deadline for me to launch into high speed, but not yet anyway. I still have about five weeks left. Some years that's half the summer, but this year it's well past the halfway point as the kids don't return until September 8.

So, what have I been doing with my summer? Well...

• I took part in a garage sale with some girls from work and got rid of a bit of stuff, which started me on a purging kick, but I've somehow stalled. I've sorted out bags of clothes for Goodwill from the dressers and my bedroom closet, but haven't yet gotten to the cabinet where I keep my sweaters and sweatshirts in the spare room, the closet in that room, or the coat closet. I also have the two boxes of items left from the garage sale that will be going still sitting in my living room. Honestly, it would probably take me about two more hours and I'd have everything sorted and a list made (for tax deduction purposes) so it could get out of here.
• I still haven't gotten a new backdoor put up, but maybe in the next couple of weeks Mom and Dad will make it up here and that will get done.
• My super-secret summer project has, so far, been unsuccessful and is now being put on hold temporarily. I could explain the reasons, but then it would be obvious what the project is.
• I attended a gathering of my high school band friends a week ago. We've had these in the past and they are always a lot of fun, but this year's was not very well attended. I did get to see G. and W. and I was able to talk very kindly with them. W. even asked how to make the pudding shots that I brought to the party and I graciously wrote out the recipe for her.
• Another friend from high school was home on leave from the military at the same time. Luke wrote to me in mid-June to see if I'd like to get together, so he came to visit two weeks ago. We had a great time reminiscing and getting caught up on each other's lives. He stayed over (on the couch) and we had lunch together the next day. I saw him again at the band reunion and we've started a regular correspondence. I'm going to visit him over winter vacation (he's in Germany), and we are going to spend New Year's in Paris! I finally get to use my new passport! Is there potential...? Perhaps. Technically he is an ex-boyfriend as we were "going together" for about a month when I was a sophomore and he was a freshman... you know... those relationships where you're too young to actually go on dates so instead it's just a lot of hand holding and kissing when no adults are around. He's always been a very sweet guy, but I can't say I was all that attracted to him back in school. Now, however... damn. The years have been good to him and he is a fine looking man. The main issue is the distance. He's in Germany until February, then will be going to Turkey for fifteen months before he will be back in the U.S. That's nearly two years, and even then he won't be anywhere terribly close. But I suppose that, if things have developed between us at that point, minus the physical contact, we'll have a better idea if it's worthwhile for me to go where he is. At that point he'll only have about three years left before he can retire.
• I rejoined Weight Watchers last week. After I saw a picture from the band reunion I decided it was time. I've gained back all the weight I lost four years ago and then some over the last couple of years. I had to buy new shorts this summer because I couldn't get into any of my old ones. What's funny is that people tell me all the time how I don't need to lose weight. I know I don't look as heavy as I am, but it bothers me that I can't wear the cute little tops I was wearing two years ago. I guess I should be grateful that I carry my weight fairly well, but I'm also concerned for health reasons. My BMI is only one point from being considered obese! How is that possible? At any rate, I'm down two pounds already, so I'm off to a good start. I'd really like to be down twenty-five for my trip in December (twenty-two weeks away) and it's definitely possible. Just got to stay focused!

That's it in a nutshell, I guess. Time to get some exercise in for the day.

Loss

Someone very dear to me passed away last week. I hadn't talked to M. for many years... I'm not even sure how many. Perhaps fifteen or so. His health problems had started already before the last time I saw him and steadily deteriorated in the years since.

M. was my first love, my first kiss. We dated twenty years ago when I was a freshman and he was a sophomore. We were together for seven months before we just kind of drifted apart. The only person I've been with for longer than that was my ex-fiance. Even after we broke up we were good friends throughout high school, but lost touch after that. I knew that he got married. He was no longer married when he died, although his wife was at the funeral. My assumption is that his health put too much strain on the marriage.

I knew that M.'s health was bad and he's been on my mind a lot lately. I'm friends with his brother and sister-in-law on Facebook and had sent a note to J. (his brother) a couple months ago asking that he let M. know that he was in my thoughts. Other than that I never contacted him. I wanted to, but I wasn't sure what his condition was and only found out recently that he was no longer married... I didn't want to step on any toes.

M.'s sister-in-law sent me a message Friday night telling me he had passed away and that his funeral was Saturday. Luckily I got it early enough that I was able to make the two-hour drive back to my hometown so I could attend. I couldn't not be there.

And now I'm overcome by the memories and the feeling of loss. I keep laughing over the happy memories and funny stories that friends have been sharing and those that I am keeping to myself. And I find myself tearing up repeatedly when I think of how he is gone. I keep kicking myself for not sending him a letter or calling when he was still alive. I know that he now knows that he was in my thoughts, but it doesn't make it any easier.

And I can't help feeling that I shouldn't be feeling such loss. M. hasn't been an active part of my life for seventeen years. But the attack of memories are making it feel like yesterday. And I know I'm romanticizing my time with him because, let's face it, ultimately we DID break up. But for some reason I am feeling grief for the loss of M. like I have for no one else. I'm just feeling a little lost right now and that's about all I can focus on.

Petty?

Recently there's been an explosion of Facebook usage by people who went to my high school. I hesitate to say my friends from high school, as quite a few of the people I've recently received friend requests from are people I don't even remember from high school. Some of them graduated two or three years after me, which explains things, but others claim to have been in my class and yet... nothin'. No memory whatsoever. I don't get it. I didn't go to that big of a school.

At any rate, one night a couple of weeks ago, I logged in and a newly added friend had a status update complaining about the class of '93's lack of a 15-year reunion this year. It also asked if anyone had seen G. As in my ex-fiance. Well, I couldn't help myself. I commented simply that, while I hadn't talked to him myself in quite some time, I knew of his whereabouts and vital statistics through his sister.

But I couldn't leave it at that. I decided to do a search for G. and see if, by any chance, he was also a Facebook user. Turns out he is. I sent him a friend request with a brief message about how the previously mentioned friend (who had been quite close to G. in high school) had been inquiring about him.

A few days later, G. replied to my message. He thanked me for putting him in touch with our friend and that that he'd also found our former band director (also on my friend list). But he didn't respond to my friend request. Yet he added both the friend who was looking for him and our former band director. When I looked again a couple days ago, I saw that he had also added another friend from high school (who I'm sure requested G., not the other way around), yet he has still not responded to my request. And we've sent a couple of brief messages to one another since then as well, so it's not that he's totally ignoring me.

I'm sure that G. has nothing against being "friends" with me on Facebook. He knows there are no bad feelings between us. But I'm sure that W. would never allow it. I don't get it, though. If anyone should be bitter in this situation, it would be me, not her. She won for God's sake! She's the one who married him and gave birth to his children. Not me. I just don't understand. I even requested her as a friend as well, just so that she knew I was not trying to do anything underhanded by contacting her husband without her knowledge. She outright denied my request. The one I sent to G. is simply still pending.

I don't understand how, nearly twelve years later (and they've been married for seven) she can still be so threatened by the connection I once had with G.

I've been known to be pretty bitter about some things that have happened in my life. But not one of them is a situation in which I was the winner. And nothing that happened over a decade ago even still makes the radar. I hope to God that I never develop that level of bitterness.

Details

I finally got started on packing up my kitchen today. This is harder than it sounds. I thought it wouldn't be a big deal... I mean, it's not like I haven't had to do this several times when I've moved from place to place. But this time is a little different because I'm not simply moving from one kitchen to another where I can unpack everything in a matter of a day or two.

Because my parents are going to be here for the next two to three days, I need to be able to feed them as well as myself. While the cabinets need to be cleaned out to start with tear out tomorrow, I will still have access to a stove until Tuesday or Wednesday and will need it for what I have planned for tomorrow night's dinner. So I need to keep out appropriate cooking supplies. Once the range has been moved to the garage, I will be without one for about a week and a half, leaving me to cook using only the microwave, slow-cooker, and George Foreman grill. Though I won't have appliances in my kitchen for quite some time, I will be able to move a few things into the new cabinets once they are installed (likely on Monday of next week).

But I digress. I have a habit of doing that.

I pulled the boxes to pack the dishes in down from the attic, but when I opened them up I got a bit of a surprise that had me very confused for a few minutes. The newspaper that packed the main box was The Michigan Daily from February of 1997. Well, considering that this is the newspaper of the University of Michigan (while I am a Spartan), I was pretty befuddled. I mean, my ex-fiance was a Wolverine, but why would I have newspaper from his college? The date was also a little odd... February of 1997 was when our engagement ended. Suddenly it dawned on me. When we were in college, I had lent G. an extra set of dishes that my mom had down in the basement. When we broke up, I demanded that everything he had of mine be returned... hence the newspaper from that college and that date in my dish box.

I had a bit of a laugh once I remembered the back story. It would be even better if I still had those dishes.

“I’m still waiting for the naked laps around the port-a-potty”

I’m currently sitting on an airplane*, but more about that later. First I must update on the fun that was my fifteen year high school class reunion.

Originally, the class reunion was to be a pig roast held at the home of one of my former classmates. Unfortunately, there was not a great response by the RSVP deadline, so plans were dialed back to a potluck, but there would still be a party. I knew I was going to go since I would be at Mom and Dad’s that night anyway, and they live only a few minutes away. I was just hoping that a few people that I had been friends with would also be there.

After arriving fashionably late, I chatted with a couple different groups of friends. First was the group that I was friends with because we were all in choir in high school. Then I moved on to a couple girls I was close with in junior high. I had a good time catching up with them, and, before long, my friends Chad and Mark arrived and I spent the vast majority of the rest of the night clowning around with them.

It turned into quite the long night as the bonfire was lit and the drinks continued to flow. Of course there was the perfunctory catching up with classmates (many of which I never knew all that well when I was in school), and lots of inside jokes (including the title of this post). I was told by many that I look very much the same as I did in high school (in a good way) and that it’s almost like I haven’t aged at the same rate as everyone else. I exchanged contact information with a couple of people and I hope that we really will stay in closer contact.

I got home at 4:00 a.m., which made the alarm going off at 6:45 a.m. very unwelcome. I’m hoping I’ll be able to sleep a little during the flight.

*I am on the plane as I type this, but will obviously have to post it later. I’m not sure of my internet access, so it may be a few days!

Ten Years.. Or... The Annual Celebration of My Freedom

It's my anniversary. Ten years ago today was my wedding day. Or rather... it was supposed to be my wedding day.

About five months before the planned date we had put a hold on the planning since G. was having some massive cold feet. And then I learned a couple weeks later of my fiance's infidelitites, which really put an end to it.

And yet, that wasn't the end. I didn't talk to him for a couple of months, but, before I knew it, we were seeing each other again. But he was also still seeing her. I battled for his affections for about six months before I finally realized that things were never going to be the same again.

The next year I moved across the state and he eventually moved to Chicago. We would still run into each other at gatherings with his sister (my best friend, Sue). He would call me on occasion, but I would always make some sarcastic remark about how, perhaps, he should be calling his girlfriend instead of his ex-fiancee.

W. finished school and moved to Chicago with him, and the phone calls stopped. I learned later from Sue that they were engaged. I tried to make plans to go out and get really drunk on their wedding night, but plans fell through and instead I stayed home feeling sorry for myself.

They have since moved back to Michigan. And two years ago I got the news that they had a baby. A little girl.

The most recent update I got on them was at Thanksgiving. And it helped me to know that I am better off.

But it still hurts some. Not that I don't have him, because it is abundantly clear to me that things were not supposed to work out with him. But because all the things I wanted and he wasn't ready for 10 years ago, he now has, but I still don't. And I'm at a point where I wonder if I'm ever going to have them.

And because he was my first true love. The first of three truly life-defining relationships I've had, and I wonder if I've used up my allotment. I sure hope not, as even the most recent of those relationships is so obviously not going to happen.

The moral of the story? There isn't one. I'm not sad that I didn't marry G. I am sad that my life hasn't gone as I would have liked it to, but that isn't his fault. It's not anyone's fault. I think I just needed to commemorate the day in some way. I wonder if G. even remembers its significance...