"Falling is Easy, It's Getting Back Up that Becomes the Problem"

The vast majority of my birthday was a great day. Lots of birthday wishes from students and staff. We had an activity planned that kept our seventh graders occupied most of the morning. I got my picture in the paper with our retiring principal and media specialist, along with our assistant principal (who is our new principal). There were also two staff gatherings after school, which were just what I needed by the time I left. As I characterized it to C., the talk didn't go badly, but it didn't go as I planned, either.

It took a couple of tries, but I eventually caught B. alone in his room.

"What's up?" he asked, knowing I must have something on my mind. When I had caught him in the office earlier in the day, I had made a point to mention to him that I still needed a couple minutes of his time.

I started in on my prepared speech, doing my best to hold back the tears that I knew were coming. "I wanted to tell you," deep breath, "that, above all else, I really do want you to be happy." Pause. "And if what you're in right now does that for you, then that's great..."

And that's where I got cut off. Which was probably a good thing, because that's the point where I was going to declare how I ache because I still miss him so much and how, if things ever fell apart, I would still be there.

Instead I was punched in the gut with, "Oh, I am! Things are going great. I mean, it was really rough last year when the shit hit the fan, but it all worked out." Then he went on about how stressed he was a year ago and how he had to lie to administrators and board members and his girlfriend (yeah, thanks for using that word). How he was shown copies of what I wrote and he had to deny everything.

And after I had some time to think about this... after I had left him, of course, I started to get a little mad. First of all... HE was stressed? I was the one who was in danger of losing my job, but not for what I wrote about our relationship. He was never put on a disciplinary leave because it wasn't anything he could be disciplined for and they knew it! What was learned from my writing wasn't anything that wasn't already part of small-town rumor! It was nothing he needed to be concerned about! From what I wrote, all that was known was that we had once shared an emotional bond, but I felt it was slipping away. There was no reason that he had to lie to anyone about that. Not to mention that it wasn't any business of the administrators or board members. As for his girlfriend, any connection between he and I was before they got together, so why he felt he couldn't admit to that, I have no idea. So instead, he denied everything and made me look delusional. Thanks.

At any rate, the conversation ended with him telling me how it would be okay for us to be friends there at school, but anything that would be suspicious was out of the question (like us talking alone in his room for example). Well, duh. Did he think I came in there to start an affair with him? Sorry buddy. While I will admit that I wanted to let him know that I was still interested in case things didn't work out, I had no intention of being the reason. And he didn't allow me to get to that statement anyway.

So I left the building, sat in my car for a minute, and bawled. Then I realized I needed to leave or someone was bound to come out, see me, and ask what was wrong. So I left for the party, making a stop for refreshments along the way. I had a couple more crying jags before I got to my destination, but had myself composed before I walked through the door. I was relieved that C. was already there and eventually got a chance to fill her in on the conversation without anyone else hearing.

I don't regret having talked to him. If I hadn't done it, I would be kicking myself, still wondering what he felt. And while I know now what he feels, and that it's not what I wanted, I know I'm better off. It's good that he stopped me before I could really pour my heart out. And I think he knows what I was going to say anyway... that's probably why he stopped me.

And the talk made another thing clear to me. I never realized how selfish he was. But in that conversation alone, he made that abundantly clear to me. How he gushed about how happy he is now (he had to know that would hurt me). How he talked about how stressed he was a year ago... like I should feel sorry for him (I don't). He was so proud of how he denied everything, even though that had to make me look like a crazy woman.

The feelings are still there, I know that. I still miss him. But I'm a lot more reasonable now that I've seen this other side of B. Whenever I start to get nostalgic about him, I'm trying to picture him whining about being stressed out. Or making one of his other selfish comments. I don't forsee myself being completely over him anytime soon, but I'm going to keep trying.

*Title of post from "Falling" by Staind.