Nibbling the Bullet

I didn't see B. all day on Monday. I don't think he was there. Which ticked me off because I had put extra effort into my cuteness that day.

Yesterday was the eighth grade trip to Cedar Point. I harbored a tiny hope that perhaps he would be the one to drop off the girlfriend's daughter (and perhaps he did, but I didn't see him), but then realized it was a good thing I didn't see him because, OH MY GOD, how weird would that be?

So today I made a decision. I would talk to him. It may not be the talk, but I would talk to him. Additionally, the purpose of today's talk would be to tell him that I needed to talk to him.

Obviously, the talk needs to take place in private. I would prefer that the talk happen after school because I know myself well enough to know that I will cry during it and I don't want to then have to show my face and have all kinds of people ask me, "What's wrong?"

But my fear is that, if I go each day this week just hoping to catch him alone in his room after school, it may never happen. Friday is our last day and then all opportunity will be lost. So I decided to kind of make an appointment with him. That I could do when others were around. I could be vague and no one but he would understand that this talk would be personal in nature.

So I was on a mission. I had another errand to run down his hallway this morning, so there was an opportunity. But he wasn't there yet (nor was the person I needed to talk to on the errand, though). So I made another trip down his hallway during my conference hour. Errand was checked off, but mini-talk was not. His door was shut and I didn't want to draw that much attention to myself as to knock.

As lunch time began, I headed toward his room once more. I nearly lost my nerve as I crossed paths with another teacher that I feared might ask why I was down there (just in a friendly way, but still, I had no good excuse). But I wasn't asked, and I did not lose my nerve. This time the door was open, but he was obviously in the midst of a lesson. Again, didn't want to force him to interrupt what he was doing.

I nervously ate my lunch and conversed with my co-workers, but managed to leave the lounge a few minutes early. I returned to my room to leave my lunch bag, pop in a piece of gum, and refresh my lip gloss, then headed again to the back of the building. I found the door open with the welcome sight of organized chaos. The class was obviously working on some task that did not require the immediate oversight of their teacher. So I walked in.

The almost immediate warning to his students about not talking to strangers left his lips and I couldn't help but smile. It took me back to the days of our constant good-natured teasing. He went on to introduce me to his class as our new librarian... "I mean media center specialist," he corrected himself.

"That's more like it," I responded.

We chatted for just a minute about what he was doing (collecting books) before he asked why I was there. And I told him.

"I was wondering if we could talk sometime."

"Sure," came his reply.

"Just sometime, after school or something, in the next couple of days."

"Yeah, we can do that."

"Thanks."

And that was that. I stopped in C.'s room on the way back to my own with my hands still shaking to fill her in. She said she was glad I'd decided to talk to him. I trust her judgement immensely, so that validation was wonderful.

I kind of hoped that he would come down to my room after school today so I could get it over with, but he didn't. And, by the time I was down on his end of the building (on another errand), he was gone. But then I decided that it doesn't hurt to let him wonder for a few more hours what it is that I need to say to him. Maybe he knows. Maybe he doesn't. Maybe I'll get an immediate reaction (positive or negative) and maybe I'll get a call in a few weeks. But I just know that I can't let vacation start without making a few things clear to him. If the worst comes to pass, at least I'll have nearly three months before I'll have to see him again!