Monday, February 09, 2009


Someone very dear to me passed away last week. I hadn't talked to M. for many years... I'm not even sure how many. Perhaps fifteen or so. His health problems had started already before the last time I saw him and steadily deteriorated in the years since.

M. was my first love, my first kiss. We dated twenty years ago when I was a freshman and he was a sophomore. We were together for seven months before we just kind of drifted apart. The only person I've been with for longer than that was my ex-fiance. Even after we broke up we were good friends throughout high school, but lost touch after that. I knew that he got married. He was no longer married when he died, although his wife was at the funeral. My assumption is that his health put too much strain on the marriage.

I knew that M.'s health was bad and he's been on my mind a lot lately. I'm friends with his brother and sister-in-law on Facebook and had sent a note to J. (his brother) a couple months ago asking that he let M. know that he was in my thoughts. Other than that I never contacted him. I wanted to, but I wasn't sure what his condition was and only found out recently that he was no longer married... I didn't want to step on any toes.

M.'s sister-in-law sent me a message Friday night telling me he had passed away and that his funeral was Saturday. Luckily I got it early enough that I was able to make the two-hour drive back to my hometown so I could attend. I couldn't not be there.

And now I'm overcome by the memories and the feeling of loss. I keep laughing over the happy memories and funny stories that friends have been sharing and those that I am keeping to myself. And I find myself tearing up repeatedly when I think of how he is gone. I keep kicking myself for not sending him a letter or calling when he was still alive. I know that he now knows that he was in my thoughts, but it doesn't make it any easier.

And I can't help feeling that I shouldn't be feeling such loss. M. hasn't been an active part of my life for seventeen years. But the attack of memories are making it feel like yesterday. And I know I'm romanticizing my time with him because, let's face it, ultimately we DID break up. But for some reason I am feeling grief for the loss of M. like I have for no one else. I'm just feeling a little lost right now and that's about all I can focus on.

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