Saturday, June 30, 2007

Of Course

With the installation of the new Dish Network system, I needed a phone line jack splitter for the living room so that I could plug both the satellite receiver and the telephone into the same jack. I was sure I had one at one time, but since I haven't had a phone in nearly five years, and have moved in the meantime, I couldn't find it in any of the places I suspected it might be. So I stopped at Walmart tonight and picked one up, thinking to myself, "Now that I've bought one, I'll probably find the one I have already."

About ten minutes after I opened the package (and trashed it) and plugged the jack in, that's exactly what I did. In fact, I found the motherload of telephone cords. Two average length phone cords, two ridiculously long telephone cords, and one splitter. Why I ever needed so many telephone cords I'll never be able to figure out.

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Friday, June 29, 2007


My new phone line was turned on for all of 48 hours before the telemarketers found me. Now I've had three calls in the last 24 hours. So last night I stopped by and registered my new number on the Do Not Call list. They still have 31 days to take me off their lists, and it's going to be a long 31 days.

But I also got my first "real" phone call... my mom... the only person I've given the number to so far!

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Wednesday, June 27, 2007

All Better

I didn't post about it at the time, but last week we had a little carpet catastrophe here in the home of the beagle.
Last Sunday, Copper and I had gone over to the neighbor's to laze around the pool (they have two of the "best rafts ever" as coined by Pigs). All went well until Copper started smelling the bunny rabbits that reside under the neighbor's deck (all bunny rabbits seem to have vacated our own yard since the beagle developed her highly attuned sense of smell). This led to digging at the base of the deck, so Copper had to go home while I returned to the luxury of the best raft ever.
A short time passed and my neighbor invited me to stay for dinner. I accepted said invitation, but returned to my own home to put on a pair of shorts and a tank top, only to find that I had been locked out of my own house! Now, this is not unusual. Copper has a habit of catching the lock with a toenail when she is jumping at the door (although usually it is the door into the garage that she does this to, which is why I keep a spare set of keys in the garage). Luckily, the garage door was already open, so I went around the front and entered through there. And that was when I realized that Copper probably locked the door in a meager attempt to cover up her crime.
At any rate, after I was able to get over my initial shock, anger, and yelling (during and after which Copper walked around with her "I'm so sorry" face all night), I was able to take a closer look at the damage. I found that it was actually a pretty clean tear that could probably be fixed quite easily. A visit to the carpet store a few days later confirmed my suspicions and we scheduled the repair for today. I think it took all of twenty minutes.

If you look very closely, you can see that the patch is a bit cleaner and newer looking than the surrounding carpet, but to the casual eye, it is unnoticeable. So the $95 lesson learned is when I go to the neighbor's pool, Copper goes in her crate!

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Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Well, Duh...

The telephone rang about 6:00 tonight, which scared the hell out of me.

Why? You might ask.

Because it was my home phone that rang. The phone that was just turned on this morning and I have not yet given the number to anyone (heck, I don't really even know it yet myself).

But one look at the Caller ID told me that it was actually AT&T that was calling me.

Why was AT&T calling me?

To let me know that my new service was now activated.

Um... yeah... I think I had that one figured out already.

**In case you were wondering, the reason why I had a home phone line activated for the first time in five years is because I am switching over to DSL and Dish Network. I'm done being utterly annoyed at the crappy service I get from Charter Communications. I will be paying the same for phone, DSL, and Dish Network as I was for just internet and cable, plus I'm getting 2 months free DSL and a $50 Visa gift card for switching from cable internet. I'm also getting free HD for a year and a $50 rebate on the wireless gateway/modem that I bought (which means it only cost me $30 and I needed a new wireless router anyway). And I am a happy camper because I am now posting wirelessly once again (and it's even my very own secured network)!

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Friday, June 22, 2007

Whaddya Think?

So I've begun re-reading the Harry Potter books in preparation for the release of book seven next month. My dilemma is this: Can I count these books on my list over there to the right? I've read them all before, but it's been several years. I know I re-read Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix before Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince was released, so it's been two years since I've read both of them. And I think I re-read the first four books before book five was released, but I may not have gotten to all of them. Maybe I just re-read Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire? I really don't remember as that was four years ago.

Perhaps I shouldn't count them because I have read them all before, but if that's the case, I will be missing out on at least a couple weeks of prime reading time when I could be adding more new books to my list.

Yes, yes, I realize that ultimately it is up to me whether I count them or not, but I just don't want anyone to call me a cheater if I do decide to list them. Opinions?


Thursday, June 21, 2007

Ten Years.. Or... The Annual Celebration of My Freedom

It's my anniversary. Ten years ago today was my wedding day. Or rather... it was supposed to be my wedding day.

About five months before the planned date we had put a hold on the planning since G. was having some massive cold feet. And then I learned a couple weeks later of my fiance's infidelitites, which really put an end to it.

And yet, that wasn't the end. I didn't talk to him for a couple of months, but, before I knew it, we were seeing each other again. But he was also still seeing her. I battled for his affections for about six months before I finally realized that things were never going to be the same again.

The next year I moved across the state and he eventually moved to Chicago. We would still run into each other at gatherings with his sister (my best friend, Sue). He would call me on occasion, but I would always make some sarcastic remark about how, perhaps, he should be calling his girlfriend instead of his ex-fiancee.

W. finished school and moved to Chicago with him, and the phone calls stopped. I learned later from Sue that they were engaged. I tried to make plans to go out and get really drunk on their wedding night, but plans fell through and instead I stayed home feeling sorry for myself.

They have since moved back to Michigan. And two years ago I got the news that they had a baby. A little girl.

The most recent update I got on them was at Thanksgiving. And it helped me to know that I am better off.

But it still hurts some. Not that I don't have him, because it is abundantly clear to me that things were not supposed to work out with him. But because all the things I wanted and he wasn't ready for 10 years ago, he now has, but I still don't. And I'm at a point where I wonder if I'm ever going to have them.

And because he was my first true love. The first of three truly life-defining relationships I've had, and I wonder if I've used up my allotment. I sure hope not, as even the most recent of those relationships is so obviously not going to happen.

The moral of the story? There isn't one. I'm not sad that I didn't marry G. I am sad that my life hasn't gone as I would have liked it to, but that isn't his fault. It's not anyone's fault. I think I just needed to commemorate the day in some way. I wonder if G. even remembers its significance...

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Thursday, June 14, 2007


I got a call today from one of my co-workers. She wanted to know if I would be able to dog-sit her sister's basset hound this weekend. Sure, I agreed, and we made plans for them to bring Norman over tonight to make sure he, Copper, and Coal all got along (they assured me that he has no issues with cats).

All afternoon I've been waiting to hear from them to see when they were bringing Norman over. When the phone finally rang I was almost giddy. But, alas, they have made other arrangements for Norman.

I was really looking forward to seeing how Copper would react to another dog being in her house. One that stayed for a few days. I really think she'd like having a brother or sister, but it's hard to tell. Perhaps she likes being the only dog.

But I guess we won't find out this weekend.

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Tuesday, June 12, 2007

"Falling is Easy, It's Getting Back Up that Becomes the Problem"

The vast majority of my birthday was a great day. Lots of birthday wishes from students and staff. We had an activity planned that kept our seventh graders occupied most of the morning. I got my picture in the paper with our retiring principal and media specialist, along with our assistant principal (who is our new principal). There were also two staff gatherings after school, which were just what I needed by the time I left. As I characterized it to C., the talk didn't go badly, but it didn't go as I planned, either.

It took a couple of tries, but I eventually caught B. alone in his room.

"What's up?" he asked, knowing I must have something on my mind. When I had caught him in the office earlier in the day, I had made a point to mention to him that I still needed a couple minutes of his time.

I started in on my prepared speech, doing my best to hold back the tears that I knew were coming. "I wanted to tell you," deep breath, "that, above all else, I really do want you to be happy." Pause. "And if what you're in right now does that for you, then that's great..."

And that's where I got cut off. Which was probably a good thing, because that's the point where I was going to declare how I ache because I still miss him so much and how, if things ever fell apart, I would still be there.

Instead I was punched in the gut with, "Oh, I am! Things are going great. I mean, it was really rough last year when the shit hit the fan, but it all worked out." Then he went on about how stressed he was a year ago and how he had to lie to administrators and board members and his girlfriend (yeah, thanks for using that word). How he was shown copies of what I wrote and he had to deny everything.

And after I had some time to think about this... after I had left him, of course, I started to get a little mad. First of all... HE was stressed? I was the one who was in danger of losing my job, but not for what I wrote about our relationship. He was never put on a disciplinary leave because it wasn't anything he could be disciplined for and they knew it! What was learned from my writing wasn't anything that wasn't already part of small-town rumor! It was nothing he needed to be concerned about! From what I wrote, all that was known was that we had once shared an emotional bond, but I felt it was slipping away. There was no reason that he had to lie to anyone about that. Not to mention that it wasn't any business of the administrators or board members. As for his girlfriend, any connection between he and I was before they got together, so why he felt he couldn't admit to that, I have no idea. So instead, he denied everything and made me look delusional. Thanks.

At any rate, the conversation ended with him telling me how it would be okay for us to be friends there at school, but anything that would be suspicious was out of the question (like us talking alone in his room for example). Well, duh. Did he think I came in there to start an affair with him? Sorry buddy. While I will admit that I wanted to let him know that I was still interested in case things didn't work out, I had no intention of being the reason. And he didn't allow me to get to that statement anyway.

So I left the building, sat in my car for a minute, and bawled. Then I realized I needed to leave or someone was bound to come out, see me, and ask what was wrong. So I left for the party, making a stop for refreshments along the way. I had a couple more crying jags before I got to my destination, but had myself composed before I walked through the door. I was relieved that C. was already there and eventually got a chance to fill her in on the conversation without anyone else hearing.

I don't regret having talked to him. If I hadn't done it, I would be kicking myself, still wondering what he felt. And while I know now what he feels, and that it's not what I wanted, I know I'm better off. It's good that he stopped me before I could really pour my heart out. And I think he knows what I was going to say anyway... that's probably why he stopped me.

And the talk made another thing clear to me. I never realized how selfish he was. But in that conversation alone, he made that abundantly clear to me. How he gushed about how happy he is now (he had to know that would hurt me). How he talked about how stressed he was a year ago... like I should feel sorry for him (I don't). He was so proud of how he denied everything, even though that had to make me look like a crazy woman.

The feelings are still there, I know that. I still miss him. But I'm a lot more reasonable now that I've seen this other side of B. Whenever I start to get nostalgic about him, I'm trying to picture him whining about being stressed out. Or making one of his other selfish comments. I don't forsee myself being completely over him anytime soon, but I'm going to keep trying.

*Title of post from "Falling" by Staind.

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Friday, June 08, 2007

Happy Day

Two reasons to have a great day today...

First, it's my birthday. We won't mention how old I am, but at least I'm still in my early 30s.

Second, it's the last day of school. I made it through the entire year without any more drama or fallout from the MySpace incident. And it's the end of my last year as a full-time classroom teacher. Next year I take over the media center (on a part-time basis while still teaching two classes).

Now if I can just catch B. to have our talk today, life will be complete.

Hopefully I'll have an update tomorrow. Tonight there is massive celebrating planned.

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Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Nibbling the Bullet

I didn't see B. all day on Monday. I don't think he was there. Which ticked me off because I had put extra effort into my cuteness that day.

Yesterday was the eighth grade trip to Cedar Point. I harbored a tiny hope that perhaps he would be the one to drop off the girlfriend's daughter (and perhaps he did, but I didn't see him), but then realized it was a good thing I didn't see him because, OH MY GOD, how weird would that be?

So today I made a decision. I would talk to him. It may not be the talk, but I would talk to him. Additionally, the purpose of today's talk would be to tell him that I needed to talk to him.

Obviously, the talk needs to take place in private. I would prefer that the talk happen after school because I know myself well enough to know that I will cry during it and I don't want to then have to show my face and have all kinds of people ask me, "What's wrong?"

But my fear is that, if I go each day this week just hoping to catch him alone in his room after school, it may never happen. Friday is our last day and then all opportunity will be lost. So I decided to kind of make an appointment with him. That I could do when others were around. I could be vague and no one but he would understand that this talk would be personal in nature.

So I was on a mission. I had another errand to run down his hallway this morning, so there was an opportunity. But he wasn't there yet (nor was the person I needed to talk to on the errand, though). So I made another trip down his hallway during my conference hour. Errand was checked off, but mini-talk was not. His door was shut and I didn't want to draw that much attention to myself as to knock.

As lunch time began, I headed toward his room once more. I nearly lost my nerve as I crossed paths with another teacher that I feared might ask why I was down there (just in a friendly way, but still, I had no good excuse). But I wasn't asked, and I did not lose my nerve. This time the door was open, but he was obviously in the midst of a lesson. Again, didn't want to force him to interrupt what he was doing.

I nervously ate my lunch and conversed with my co-workers, but managed to leave the lounge a few minutes early. I returned to my room to leave my lunch bag, pop in a piece of gum, and refresh my lip gloss, then headed again to the back of the building. I found the door open with the welcome sight of organized chaos. The class was obviously working on some task that did not require the immediate oversight of their teacher. So I walked in.

The almost immediate warning to his students about not talking to strangers left his lips and I couldn't help but smile. It took me back to the days of our constant good-natured teasing. He went on to introduce me to his class as our new librarian... "I mean media center specialist," he corrected himself.

"That's more like it," I responded.

We chatted for just a minute about what he was doing (collecting books) before he asked why I was there. And I told him.

"I was wondering if we could talk sometime."

"Sure," came his reply.

"Just sometime, after school or something, in the next couple of days."

"Yeah, we can do that."


And that was that. I stopped in C.'s room on the way back to my own with my hands still shaking to fill her in. She said she was glad I'd decided to talk to him. I trust her judgement immensely, so that validation was wonderful.

I kind of hoped that he would come down to my room after school today so I could get it over with, but he didn't. And, by the time I was down on his end of the building (on another errand), he was gone. But then I decided that it doesn't hurt to let him wonder for a few more hours what it is that I need to say to him. Maybe he knows. Maybe he doesn't. Maybe I'll get an immediate reaction (positive or negative) and maybe I'll get a call in a few weeks. But I just know that I can't let vacation start without making a few things clear to him. If the worst comes to pass, at least I'll have nearly three months before I'll have to see him again!

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Friday, June 01, 2007

The Obsession Continues

Last night while I was driving home after our return from Mackinac Island, I felt my heart start to race. Why? Because I was behind a car of the exact same make, model, and color as B.'s, which also had the same style of license plate. I know that sounds funny, but when you live in a state with such a ridiculous number of license plate styles** as I do, it is remarkable. I literally thought it was him until I got close enough to see that the plate number was not the same and, therefore, it was not him.

And it seemed as if everywhere I went yesterday, I would see or hear something that made me think of him. Sometimes it was a song playing in a store (or on my iPod), then we watched Shrek on the way there and Shrek 2 on the way home (it would require too much explaining, but trust me, there's a connection). Or, something would come up in conversation and it would make me think of something he and I had once shared or talked about. I tell ya, it was like he was haunting me.

I had a long talk with one of my co-workers (who is like my second mom), C. on Friday last week. C. knew last spring that there was something brewing between B. and I, but not that we already had a history. I ended up filling her in on the whole story and admitting for the first time to someone outside the Internet that I am still very much hung up on him. C. is convinced that B.'s current relationship (with the woman he moved in with two months after he started dating her and three months before his divorce was final) will not last. She thinks it was convenient and got him through a rough patch at the time when I didn't give him the answers he wanted from me (I didn't want him to move in with me right away, nor was I willing to sell my house and move in with him if he bought one). She also thinks he'll be back at my door when it does fall apart. The thing is... I know what my answer would be in that situation, but I know it shouldn't be my answer. He broke my heart, for God's sake! But I also know that I've never felt the same before or since I met him.

And I've noticed, since I am more able to actually look at him without falling to pieces lately, that the way he looks at me... well... it hasn't changed. It's the same way he looked at me when he knew me completely, loved me, adored me, but knew we couldn't be together. Is he feeling it again, too? And it's got me thinking, maybe he's holding on to his current relationship because he thinks I'm no longer an option. Maybe things are already falling apart, but he's holding on with both hands simply because he doesn't want to be alone (and, yes, I know this is a huge fear for him). And maybe if he knew that I'm still right there, too, it would make a difference.

Then again... maybe not.

But I made up my mind that I can't start the summer without giving him that message. If I'm wrong, then I'll have nearly three months when I won't have to see him to get over it. The only problem is that I need to get a chance to talk to him alone. It would be ideal to catch him after school, but most days, his girlfriend's daughter rides to and from school with him, so I can't risk her overhearing any conversation. So I came up with the perfect opportunity! On Tuesday, the eighth grade takes their trip to Cedar Point. I know the girlfriend's daughter won't be at school, so I can catch him alone!

And then I found out today that I also will be going to Cedar Point with the eighth grade.

Why must I be foiled at every turn?

I know I could send him an e-mail and it would probably be easier, but I need to tell him what I have to say in person. I need to see what his reaction is for myself and not sit around waiting for a response to a letter. And more than anything, I need to have the opportunity to kiss him. There was always such electricity between us when we would kiss or touch in any way. I have to see if it's still there, and if we both still feel it, or if it's just me. Technology is great, but you can't do that via e-mail.

**Am I the only one who thinks the variety of license plates available in Michigan is excessive? There's the standard blue plate with white lettering, which is in the process of being replaced by a white plate with blue lettering, then there's the new blue and green fancy plate, the old orange and blue fancy plate, the even older auto industry centennial plate, and multitudes of fundraiser and state university plates. Everytime I see an unfamiliar plate and think it's an out-of-state one, I find it's just a new style!

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